The above video is: Allen Ginsberg (poet/vocals) with Paul McCartney (guitar, drums, hammond organ & maracas) and Philip glass (keyboard) performing: “Ballad of the Skeletons” (video directed by Gus Van Sant)
When You Need No Pressure on the Wound
If you measure your self worth by your good deeds and your good deeds do not “pay off,” as expected, leaving you depleted or resentful instead, you’re not doing the real work you were called to do. You’ve been bluffing. Maybe unwittingly, but it’s time to stop lying to yourself.
Maybe, part of your problem is that you heard you need to walk around in another man’s shoes before you can judge him, and in trying to wear shoes that don’t fit, you ended up less helpful and more klutzy.
One time there was a man who went to a gallery in New York and he climbed to the top of a ladder, where at the top was a magnifying glass and when he held it to the tiny word, it read: “YES,” and this delighted him.
It’s important to further what is honestly useful, however, and an EQUALLY useful word for women to know is, “NO.”
I’ve selected the following information to assist anyone who has problems with feeling unappreciated or used in relationships and is looking to break free of the cycle(s):
The Author of this “unprofessional advice” goes by the blog name: Light (Please Note Light’s Disclaimer regarding on-line advice at the end of the post)
Light’s policy states that you may copy and share this information if you DO NOT alter the words in any way or sell the material.
“Try Someone Else”
How to stay out of the Scapegoat Role,
the Doormat Role, the Sucker Role
and the Unappreciated Role…
1. Force yourself to stand up straight and speak up loud and clear. Don’t shrink. It’s hard at first, but make yourself do it. It gets easier every time.
2. Make eye contact and ask what people mean, ask them to explain, ask for favors, ask what time it is, ask for things to be handed to you, ask, ask, ask. People who never ask for consideration or assistance and always say yes are sending doormat messages and shouldn’t be surprised when others expect them to tolerate mistreatment. It makes you an easy target for getting unappreciated and used, and not just by bad apples, either. You’d be very surprised how even good, well-meaning people will disregard you and disrespect you if you act like you have no needs, you have no complaints, you have no spine and you have no thoughts, opinions, wishes and plans of your own.
3. Practice saying “No”. Again, just do it. If it feels overwhelming, try it with small things first, and work your way up to bigger situations. You don’t need a reason other than not wanting to. Just say the word “no” and let the other person be the next to speak. Beware of people who ask you to do things by asking you first, “Are you busy later?”, or “What are you doing this afternoon?” You’re about to get pinned into a corner. Whenever you’re approached with something like, “Hey, are you busy on Tuesday the 12th?” make it a habit to always immediately reply, “I’m not available, why?” (You can always change your mind later if it’s something you want to give). When you say no to some things, it teaches people they need to ask for – not just assume you have to give – what they want.
4. Know that the more compliant and submissive you are, the less respect you will get. I used to mistake a lot of agreement for being polite. Then I realized that most others take a lot of agreement for “pushover” and “worthless”. It was a surprise to find that the reason I was always treated like dirt was my own submissive behavior. Shockingly, the more I learned to say no and put boundaries, etc., the kinder people were to me! I had always thought if you wanted people to treat you well, you should be agreeable and do things they wanted! (“Oh, why doesn’t so-and-so think I matter – haven’t I been NICE enough?”) So I’d try to be even nicer and get even LESS respect!! Now I know that if you want people to be respectful and kind to you, you must show some spine.
5. Don’t consistently give more than you get. That goes for work, friends, everything. 50/50 is the goal. Sure, sometimes it will be 60/40 or 70/30, but IN BOTH DIRECTIONS. That means sometimes you should be getting 70 and the other gets 30. Not them always being the one to get 70 and YOU 30.
6. Walk away if your needs aren’t getting met. Your life expectancy is about 75-80 years. Many of those years are now gone. Life is too short to keep trying to make other people and situations fit you that can’t possibly do so. Move out easily and head right into what seems to suit you better. Remember, everyone else is taking care of themselves (or should be and has the right to be) as well.
7. Learn to say “I’ll think about it” as your default response to requests. Many scapegoats and doormats have “yes” as their default, and then they panic because they didn’t REALLY want to do the things they agreed to, and now they feel stuck keeping their word. Flip that around and do it backwards. Always say you’ll think about it and that you need time to consider it (no matter what) and THEN GO THINK about if you HONESTLY WWAANNTT to do it and get back with a good decision. Anybody who tells me they cannot wait for me to consider something is then automatically told NO! Remember, controlling people will pressure you to answer fast. Never do that. Always answer slowly. Take an hour, a day or a week. That gives your brainwashed brain time to un-brainwash and consider YOU.
8. Accept imperfection as inherent in all things and people, including yourself. Let your friends screw up now and again and love them anyway, and make sure you are getting the same in return. As long as you – and they – are making an effort and meeting each others’ needs otherwise. Reciprocity and equality should always be present as much as possible.
9. Start thinking of yourself as somebody. Say your name. Think about what’s important to you. Express it. Find what you’re about and what you want to be a part of. If you have something that’s important to you, it will help pull you out of disorderly thinking and into well-being, because commitment to that thing (whether it’s being a good parent, doing something in your community, building a better mousetrap or anything else you think is important and feeds your soul) will help you work out all your kinks.
10. When someone mistreats you, distance yourself in self-preservation. That doesn’t mean be a shrinking violet. It just means that once you’ve picked up that someone is unempathic, a user, narcissistic, whatever – to the best of your ability, limit your exposure to them. Don’t sit near them, don’t agree to work near their office if you have the option not to, don’t say yes to things they ask. Get quiet, get distant, get unengaging, don’t look at them much. If it’s a work situation and you have to have contact, limit that contact time with them as much as you can and avoid speaking to them alone. Speak to them about important matters only when others are present. If it’s not a co-worker but a partygoer, mutual friend, neighbor, stranger, etc., turn tail and LEAVE THEIR PRESENCE. Also keep away from the circle of people immediately surrounding this person! These will not be healthy people, much as you might like them, and you will get sucked into the toxic web even worse than if you contacted the problematic person directly, because a NICE person has pulled you in. You’ll feel sorry for them, etc., and feel even more stuck in it. They have to learn to take care of themselves, as you’re doing.
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NOTE: The video featuring Allen Ginsberg is being posted here only for educational/semi-political/entertainment reasons and for NO COMMERCIAL PURPOSES.